Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Randomize
