her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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