I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
