Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
