I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
