I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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