How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Success! We fucked roommates!
Randomize
