My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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