I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
