so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
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