I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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