I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
