Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
