We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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