Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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