Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
