wake up i wanna do it froggy style
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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