I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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