just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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