You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
