Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I wish there were birth control emojis
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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