I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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