Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
