Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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