I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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