Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
