I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Randomize
