First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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