i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
