sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
