her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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