LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
