You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
