i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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