i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
