we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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