Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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