the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
