I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
