dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
