The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
