If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
