Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
