I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
