I'm lost and stupid without you.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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