Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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