I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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