if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
