I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
