i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
